Sunday, April 11, 2010

Last night


Last night i left Zouk at 2. Hopped in a cab. Then it struck me. It's only 2. I'm gonna be wide awake, all alone. I have to sleep but the thoughts, they'll keep running through my mind. Might do something stupid. So even though i was prolly 1 KM away from home, i got the uncle to turn back and headed to Nana. There, I felt weird. Out of place. With familiar faces around but none i know personally or talked to before. Sat there. Quietly. Joined in their lil drinking games and then i walked away...Hate the shy side of me. The side of me that can't seem to get along with anyone new. I got...bored again. But it beats being bored at home. The drinks, they kept coming. The liquid i kept downing. The cups i kept emptying. I didnt get drunk. Amazing. I'm the worst drinker ever. Not concluded by me but by everyone who saw how little alcohol my body could take. Went back home. Tired as hell. Still....couldn't help but to send an SMS cus my phone was only 1cm away from my fingers. Sent.

Today i woke up.

No New Messages.

LAST NIGHT...I MADE THE SAME STUPID MISTAKE.

WHY?!?!

71 comments:

  1. hi, actually i like the you when you are still with C. although u didnt update your blog much, at least u're a happy girl in love. when i see u in love, i feel happy for u cause u are no longer the emo person after D. now, you're back again. i know it's hard to understand how u feeling now. but i hope you can be happy again. cheers

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  2. well no one likes to t see ppl sad right! haha. i hope so too :)

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  3. hey, i made the same stupid mistake like you, giving yourself that damn hope and msging him. just chill, pain goes away and you come back on stronger

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  4. be happy ok. :D a smile a day keeps the frown away.

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  5. Life is never fair, isn't it? Sorry about what happened between you and C. ): Chin up and stay happy dear! Understand clearly how you're feeling, but you have to be strong girl. Hope things will look up for you soon! (:

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  6. hey babe, after coloring your hair, do you match your eyebrow with your new color? hope you are feeling better btw :)

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  7. Hey tammy ... Stay strong, it's okay to make mistakes. Sometimes things may get better this way , you never know . Just believe that everything happens for a reason :)
    try to cheer up despite how difficult it may seem to be
    Think happy thoughts ;) ..

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  8. hi tammy.. really hope things get better for you soon. and anww. love your background pictures! you are really pretty you know that? take care...

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  9. oh my gosh u're just like me. i did ALL the things i told myself not to ever ever do like sending smses and i even resorted to pretending that i sent the message to the wrong person. and yes i got "no new messages" as well. and i came up with all the excuses in the world just to call him (tried to justify to myself that it'll be ok to call him since im 'drunk') and all he gave me was empty words with no actions at all. similarly, i was the one who initiated the brokeup so quite loserish right.

    i think the best advice that i can give u would be to really not have any form of contact with him cos only then he will feel curious to know what u're doing and contact u. so even if it hurts, control urself and see what moves he make. if he doesnt, he's not worth it and the best revenge would be to live well. hope to see u happy soon =)

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  10. Hey tammy, im the one who commented earlier on .. the one with bpd as well (:  I'm the same somehow in this kinda things..  I will send a message to the person, knowing I shouldn't. Just have that lil bit of hope in me. Still hoping that the person still care... what sucks is when the next day , there isn't any new messages and then we will come to realise .. " If i didnt send, i wont be this sad, but now that i've send and that person didnt reply .. " the heart just sank so deeply... How are you already, tammy ? it's hard to deal with bpd .. i cant deal with it nor myself too ..

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  11. but dont you wanna give C another chance? because it really makes a big big difference.

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  12. I think you need to get a hold of yourself.. honestly, you can do <span>so much</span> better. i mean, which dumbass would laugh along with his friends when mocking his OWN GF? now.. thats pretty retarded.. i didnt think that was cool either. you're most probably gonna delete this comment anyway, but before you do so, please know that ur better off with someone who'd treat you with respect.

    "C" is a total faggot.

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  13. All the best dealing with a stitch like this. Put ur phone away,, tammy.. he probly already moved on from all this..

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  14. you have gone crying again. maybe u can ask yourself why u tend to repeat your mistake over and over again? do u seriously intend to break up with C? if there's anything, maybe u can try to talk with him and solve the problems you guys have? and since you have BPD, he should try to understand instead of joining his friends laughing or say anything like," it's them! not me what..." i know how u feels. :) i know its hard but try. even it fails. at least you try :) good luck tammy!

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  15. hi tammy, i totally understand how you re feeling about this, like you just cant help but to send the msg, or even worse, call, and you feel damn horrible afterwards. ): be strong you can do this!

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  16. its always sucks when ur hoping a msg from him but nope. there isnt.

    totally understand how u feel dear...

    stay strong! stay strong Tammy! dont msg him. dont press the sent button.

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  17. i kind of understand how that feels. Well, at least i mean - it's uncontrollable emotions. HOWEVER.(this is the difficult part),which is to resist and keep your mind away from the person, and most importantly the phone. It's like we would be like idiots staring at the phone hoping for new messages or even expecting a call,yet this never really seem to happen in most cases. THE WORST thing of all is, when we are doing stupid things like this, they are enjoying themselves elsewhere and not even be bothered to reply. BE STRONG TAMMY! i did all those mistakes too. and i grew. YOU CAN TOO(:

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  18. i think you need to work on you. you can't just be happy when you are with someone (although it helps!!) but when i ended a relationship, what i did was try to better myself (example, i dieted more, toned up, dolled up, did things i never had time to do before like watch all the movies i wanna watch, read books ... things like that) once you feel more confident, you will also attract more attention and you will soon realise that you are attractive and you can do better and deserve better)

    hope this helps :)

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  19. I dont know the full story abt you and him, that's between you and him. 
    But i think he wasnt reply you b'cus maybe you're blogging about him and the whole situation that made you unhappy and blah blah. That's why maybe he's doesnt bother making up with you. That's my thought though.
    Ofcourse, it's hurtful. But you're young girl you have a long way to go and they're billions of guys out there in the world. I'm sure you can find a good good guy among that billions out there. Because i believe that every women with a beautiful heart truly deserves a man who can treasure that beautiful heart. Just be very careful in choosing the person to build a space in your heart.
    B'cus, sometimes or maybe most of times, it may not be what it seems to be.
    Take Care.

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  20. Hey what phone are you using uh? Thanks!

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  21. Dont let C get in the way of living your life. Do the things that made you happy before you had any guy in your life :D Hope you feel better soon Tammy.

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  22. hope to see you happy again! cheerios! and jiayou! :D

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  23. you're gonna be fine. don't get mad at yourself. remember when all else fails on you, there's still one person who doesn't. you know who i'm talking about (: take care of yourself.

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  24. glad you realised that your mom is bad at handling the accounts and that us customers arent complaining for nothing.

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  25. cheer up Tammy!! it must be really hard going through a breakup but i knw you're strong! Be happy, don't dwell on e past yeppp.. 

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  26. Hi, just wna let you know that you're not alone in this depressing world. Sigh. I have sucky A lvl results. With no direction in life. Friends all busy with other friends or significant others. No social life. And boring work just to earn some moolah.

    But life's like that I guess, have to suck it up, grit your teeth and just GOOOOOOOO.

    All the best to you!

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  27. you know what, you make a good story writer.

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  28. I mean, you would make a good story writer** lol

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  29. look, this is totally normal. because you realised that being part of that person's life is essential. and you just couldn get used to it. but listen, this is the worst part of the aftermath of a breakup. it might be torturous. it must also be kinda humiliating if the other party just ignore everything BUT, you are so going to pull through! BE STRONGGGG!

    no one says a breakup is going to be easy! you just have to grit your teeth and endure it till the end! i believe you can do it, just that it takes time! :D:D

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  30. Tammy I rly hope Im a friend of yours now so i could give you a hug and let you know all will be fine! Hate to see how life's for you now :( Take care and smile!

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  31. feels awful to be out of love, but don't forget this too will pass. life has its ups and downs, and i hope soon you will be back up again. one day you'll find someone who will love and understand you and appreciate you for everything you are; till then, i guess it's just trial and error. but there are many of us like you, and we're all here with you. so whatever you do, however things are, don't look back, and don't lose hope. i hope you will be happy. 

    <3 xx

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  32. Hang in there babe. I know it sounds cliche but if it will get better. It can only get better because it can't get worse. I suppose after a while we somehow numb ourselves to the pain? Someone like you won't be alone even thougn you feel like you are; turn to your close friends, they'll give you comfort. You're awesome Tammy, don't forget that. (:

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  33. hello tammy, i feel happy when u're happy. it's nice to read a happy blog.
    you're pretty & i hope everything gets better for you. cheer up babe!

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  34. Hey, I know you've been going thru alot of shit lately, so I wanna tell you to take it easy. That bf of yours was so not worthy of you(he sounds like a jerk in fact), so I think you should strictly follow the book from now on, to avoid making another mistake. Hope you will get better, personally I think you are quite inspirational because of your successful blogshop! :D

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  35. went to your shop at far east today and the shop assistants were nice! finally ^^ At least your business is picking up and right on track. who needs guys?! keep it up! 

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  36. Hmm. It's hard but I guess give it time to heal? :) cliche but better guys would come along and you deserve to be happier than how you are now. :) and pleaseeeee don't message him cause there's a queue or guys that would love t be with you so don't get upset cause of a guy who idont worthy of your love.

    A guy who is worth your tears wouldn't make you drop a tear! :) move on and be happy babe.

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  37. hey girl.please do cheer up and be strong.you tried to compromise but since he doesn't appreciate,it's time to pull yourself together and maybe with that,he'll finally know the importance of you and not take you for granted.im not judging anyone,cause im a total stranger.but i hate to see girls so crushed over break ups.i felt the same way before.so STAY STRONG!

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  38. it's okay, everyone make mistakes :)  
    be happy!

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  39. I think perhaps one of the method is to suddenly stop contacting him at all. No smses, no calls, and no stalking his fb page. Because otherwise, he'd just find that you're always there and he wouldn't really care about you cause it's too easy. Sometimes men (or boys in this case) like a bit of challenge. It may be hard to resist the urge to sent him an sms (I've been through that =() but one thing I did was to send it to myself - my own number. Then 30 minutes or more later I'll pretend to be that guy and imagine how he'd feel when he reads it. It helps me realise what a sucker I was. Hope it'd help you too, although I don't know what happened. =)

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  40. Babes, I know it's hard but you gotta control yourself and not text him!! I mean, he'll prolly feel good after receiving your text because it just shows how much you need him. ): I seriously hope you'll feel better soon. -hugs-

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  41. Hey. I know its so hard to resist the temptation because ive experience that before too. If theres still chances between you and C, dont give up! You can cry so hard, but in the end you will realize youre still on your own and no one is gonna comfort you everyday. Smile (:

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  42. and to add on,
    <span>"A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he’s not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he’s showing up at your new residence to do it in person. If he’s not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he’s just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it’s like to live without you"</span>
    <span></span>
    <span>-quoted from tumblr.</span>

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  43. I saw you at FEP two days ago, and wanted to call out to you but I was completely underdressed and you were with two other people. I'm probably one of your oldest readers.. I just broke up a month ago, and I wanted to tell you - THINGS WILL GET BETTER. do not call. stop calling - and it will give you strength. Tell yourself - everytime i allow myself to call, it will make me a bit smaller in my own eyes, he will want me a bit less and it achieves absolutely nothing.

    When I broke up, I cried like crazy for 10 days, kept waiting for him to call, and then I put up a note where I could see it and wrote - Closure comes from me. And then I never cried again. Be strong and do what it is that you really want to do - be it, make one last call, or end it forever, and stick to it!!

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  44. Hey girl :)

    I might not have known what had gone between you and C that clearly but i hope you cheer up because i can see how 'emo' you are through these blog posts. The feeling isnt great but do continue smiling and whenever you have some urge of touching that phone of yours, resist! Its difficult, i understand. But just do something else to distract you. Or isolate that phone of yours!

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  45. whats your contacts colour ? so nice !

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  46. hi..i hav made payment for my order and still have nt receive any updates. may I know when can i get the confirmation. thanks :)

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  47. My heart goes out to you. I can feel how sad and hurt you are.

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  48. thats a scary picture. you tend to do your eyes like that, like you're staring, even in photoshoots. i suppose you were trying to "smize" but it turned out weird. i dont know why you like to twist your lips into that shape, its looks plain odd. not even pretty or sweet, just odd. like dawn yang kinda odd you know? you dont want that do you? so just smile babe! smileeeee. :) when you smile you look damn sweet and your eyes instantly look nicer.

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  49. You need to stop needing a guy. I think you make a darn good independent lady! You started your own business, look after yourself and all! Step out of the relationship game for a couple of months and find yourself, find that independent lady in you and realize that being alone can be damn liberating. If you do it Tammy, I think you'll be so much more stronger for real and you'll gain a lot more admiration.

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  50. Pretty girls shouldn't be upset all the time! Cheer up! :)

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  51. You're not alone! I used to experience how you're feeling right now. Would you<span> change yourself for the sake of pleasing him? I chose not to. Because</span><span> many of us became different person to please everyone else.<span> What's more, loving people means giving them the freedom to be who they choose to be and where they choose to be. Love is allowing people to be in your life <span>out of choice</span>. You are what you do alright Tammy  :) Get better, not worse!</span></span>

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  52. hahaha babe.i did the exact stupid thing last night too and no new messages.i know how you feel :(

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  53. Hey I know excatly how you feel babe but you need to move on ! You will find someone better :)

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  54. Oh yah mind telling me which studio you book? As in the charges and everything thanks :)

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  55. i wished you were my friend. haa ur life looked amazing but anyway here i see, u face e same stupid r.s probs that every girl have.. doing stupid mistakes and letting those guys show us "i m not replying" side. sighs. i m picking myself stilllll.. it has been 4mths but during this 4mths i ve been doing really stupid mistakes on off also. but u know, someday we will all wake up and realise we have to stop!!

    btw i m gg to get the book you intro-ed soon! so inspiring. hope it ll help every dumb girl out there. haha

    xoxo

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  56. I understand what's with everything going and that message. It's something hopeful isnt it? Get your close friends to be with you for this period of time. You'll find a guy that deserve your efforts one day.

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  57. u know ive been following your blog ever since i had read the first post of you. the first post for me, not of your blog. and ur really great at expressing yourself in written form.
    sometimes im going thorugh similar stuff and then i suddenly read your blog and its like my thoughts that i cant express myself written down there.

    i can imagine how you feel. lifes hard, always has been, always will be.
    u will find someone new again one day. or maybe get back together with him again.
    however it turns out, one day love will cover up everything again.

    love your blog xx

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  58. who initiated the break? cheer up anyways

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  59. do u noe that one of the reason tt u still cant let go is because you still want the attention? u noe it yrself. and it also shows tt u inititated the breakup halfheartedly. on one hand hoping tt u can leave all this shit behind and on the other hand, thinking tt yr bf will come begging u for forgiveness to patch, tgt with all the lovey dovey msgs. this mindset is not very right. one day yr bf will get tired of all these, simply because its getting lame, tiring and very overrated. guys are insensitive at times, worse still, he is younger than u.(immature) therefore it is very hard for him to understand you since u're so damn complicating. trust me, at this age, he still wanna play and enjoy. and not having to deal with yr weird behavior and such. even if u guys ever get back tgt, it wont last because, you need to find someone who knows u inside out, very sensitive to you, treats you w care and also noes hows to react when yr problems arise. trust me, will take some time to find sucha guy and its not easy. dun rush into rship, concentrate on other stuff first. u dun desperately need a guy in yr life right nw. take it slow, im sure one day u will find the right one.

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  60. I still want the attention? No? I initiated it because we had too many quarrels gg on and we refuse to compromise. Whats a relationship if both parties refuse to compromise. Im sad....cus why wouldnt i? I thought he'd understand and knw how to handle me cus initially it was great! But then i knw he is tired but i cant help that im BPD and annoying :/ oh well...can we jst get off this topic alr~~~~~

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  61. Do you used to wear make up when you were 14 an 15 yrs old?

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  62. hey just wanna say i understand how u feel and i too did the same thing and got back the same thing, no new msgs, on my bb. It's damn stupid. maybe u shld jus dlt his number and everytime u wanna send any text, click backspace till all the msgs are gone, ask yourself, why are u even texting some1 who wldnt bother to reply? breakup sucks, not knwing how to handle a breakup sucks more. stay happy, peace x

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  63. OMG): Tammy I totally understand how you feel I'm going through the exact same thing. I tried very hard to not be clingy and to let it go graciously but it's rly hard, deep inside you still wna hear from that person. ): I don't rly read your blog & I never expected to come across it today and completely empathize with you.

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  64. you know i totally agree becos i m jus like that too. and u woke me up, kinda. i realised u can never expect these ppl to be committed n love u forever at age 18,19.. life still goes on (hard but will)

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  65. do you apply anything else to your hair? o-o? cos' my hair is really frizzy and dry at the tips no matter how much conditioner I use. i see that your haiir is really nice.

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  66. Sorry to ask this at this time. But i just wanna ask you how do i screen commets on ECHO? 

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  67. whats BPD? is it rly a sick thing or something?

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  68. i love you tammy! i think you're an awesome girl and a strong one too. just know that you'll get through everything somehow, somehow. so don't worry hug!

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  69. You love me? hehehehe aww :)  thanks!

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  70. Hi thr!! what contacts do you use??

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