Y'know, i should've seen this coming...
I'm like this crazy psycho monster even i scare myself.
BUT I FUCKING HATE MY EX BOYFRIEND SO MUCH YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
How can anyone try so hard to be part of your life and then after that leave you JUST LIKE THAT?! Y'know i really didn't want to get into a relationship after D. I was so scared i'd go back to the super depressed days. The days i cant eat. The days i think about dying all the time. The days i sleep with a damp pillow. I hated that period and never wanted to go back to those days. Enter C. Someone who was madly in love even before he knew me. It was funny hearing all the stories from his friends and family. Well maybe he can make me happy again...i thought. He was very understanding, he really tolerated a lot during the dating period. I warned him about my BPD and all. He said he was okay. I thought he was cus he never got angry and always tried to calm me down. I loved him so much & well i thought he did too.
Then, there was this period, we just kept quarreling & he stopped giving in. I got really many and initiated a break up. He agreed. Like without hesitating. Which did scare me. I wanted him back. I BEGGED. l know i said "break up" out of anger. I always say things i dont mean when i'm angry, I JUST CANT HELP IT!!!! BUT HE WAS ALL "NO NO NO". He gave me all sorts of crap. "Wo bu pei (I dont think i'm good enough for you)", "I just want to be left alone now", "I want to use this time to concentrate on school"....AY ALL THAT SHIT. Which i stupidly believed.
Why i hate him so much is prolly because he lied. I dont need u give me a million untrue reasons for a break up. If you can't handle me, SAY YOU CAN'T. If you want to enjoy single hood cus you're still young, TELL ME? WHY LET ME SEE YOU WITH ALL THIS GIRLS RIGHT?! I mean you wanna play, yeah go ahead, but don't tell me all the girls throw themselves at you and it's not your fault blah blah?! Make me hate the girls for nothing.
I really went crazy. I texted him nasty stuff. OK I WAS A TOTAL BITCH. I CANNOT CONTROL I SWEARRRRR. A lot of people tried talking to me....and i would be okay for a day or two. Then unknowingly, i'd go crazy again.
It's been 4 months....and i am still texting him really stupid nasty stuff. Like scolding him and threatening all that shit. Then the next moment, i'll be like WTF WHY WHY WHY NOW I LOOK STUPID AGAIN. Usually he'd ignore my msges. Then that day we had an agreement, that if he's nice to me, i'll be nice. So he started replying. AND TODAY HIS REPLIES WERE FUCKED UP. I WENT CRAZIER. SO CRAZY I DELETED HIM OFF BBM AGAIN. THIS IS THE 100TH TIME OR SOMETHING. Seriously, something wrong with me up there. I always delete him off, tell myself that i'm never talking to him ever again, start sms-ing him after a few days and then after awhile add him back on BBM again. CYCLE KEEPS REPEATING. I PRAY HARD IT'LL BE THE LAST.
Been such an angry and sad girl I HATE IT!
I cannot remember how TRUE happiness feels anymore. (yeah a few posts back i said i'm happy cus i've a crush but that happiness and this is like totally different yknow?) I must know my happiness cannot be based on a man!!!!! But it's so hard, so hard to be happy alone. I really cant be alone!!!! It's not that i really am like ALONE, ive my friends and all but I FEEL INCOMPLETE AND FEEL THAT I CANNOT BE HAPPY WITHOUT A BOY. It's a BPD thing (What's BPD?). Need to talk to someone who can help me. Previously when i went for couselling i got better...so i hope it helps this time. I just need to stop thinking "it's not gonna work" cus it worked once and just make that phone call. IT'S SO HARD TO LEAD MY LIFE LIKE THAT. My friends have to worry about me all the time and they always go "yknow a lot of people care for you, we hate to see you like this" and i really like feel so sad cus I CAN'T HELP IT. :(
chin up, tammy. you'll get through this like you've gotten over D. you'll find someone who loves you and deserves you as much as you love him and this time, he'll be a keeper. Remember that your next will always be better than your ex! After all, why else would you get with them right. :) Anyway, time will heal all sorts of wounds.. just dedicate more of your time on improving your shop and finding happiness again! You have great friends by your side so it's okay-- things can only get better from here!
ReplyDeleteAnother thing- every person has been through a break up before, so please don't feel alone!
Tammy, feel your heart.
ReplyDeleteIt's stil beating strongly.
Stay strong for ur self.
shouldnt let him see this. the more he wont love u
ReplyDeletebeen there done that
Hey Tammy, I know you are really stressed up and being so angry. Try to relax first?
ReplyDeleteThink about something else. Think of your friends who have always been there for you. Being single sucks I know how it
feels. Right now I think u should delete him for good and no longer talk or text him? And do not bother listening anything about him anymore. And my advice to you is that maybe you should take up yoga classes? It might help you:) cheer up okay?
Cheer up okay? Everyone :-P
I meant :)
ReplyDeleteBe happy Tammy! :) Life will get better! What that doesn't kill you makes you stronger! xoxo
ReplyDeletetalk to someone tammy. get some help. you can't live your life like this. texting angry msgs to your ex after a 4 month break up.. u wouldn't want to do this to your friends & to YOURSELF, would u? i'm sorry to hear anyway. :/
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel Tammy. Well. Get yourself away from your phone ! & At all costs, avoid his FB/Twitter. Get this, you guys already broke up and it is useless to continue texting his these stuff, as it will make you seem shallow. Like, you cant get over him. Well, maybe you can, maybe you cant, I don't know, but you have to just treat him as someone you never knew. Texting him regularly about stuff that you don't like, boosts his ego, and imagine what he will tell his friends ? It wldnt rly look good on you would it ? It will just probably bring your rep down. So in order to keep your self-esteem at the top, ignore him, move on from this phase, I bet many wld say you wld find a better guy, YES you will, its only a matter of time, becos you are like only 19 right ? Take some time off. Date guys, instead of committing yourself in a relationship, this way you won't get hurt, (I suppose). I hope I did help in some way possible. Take care Tammy. <3
ReplyDeleteHey Tammy, it's okay to feel that angry and upset over a guy that you can't help but go crazy, which always makes friends and family worried. Babe, it's cliche, but time is the best healer. I always tell my other friends that the right guy will come, maybe not now, but sooner or later. You are such a strong girl who have been through so much, and your friends and family will always be there to support you no matter what. I understand how horrible you feel being depress and crying over a guy, even though I do not know him, I guess that he ain't worth your tears. But that fact is hard to sink in most of the times. Girl, get a grip of yourself and be strong.
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you what true hapiness means, but I know that you would be happy, truly happy when the right person comes to you and accepts you for who you are and takes care of you well.
I don't know if you already have this link already, but I gave this to a personal friend of mine who felt that life is not worth living, because she had been bullied so many times, and giving this link to her, well, let's just said it gave her HOPE.
http://www.givesmehope.com/
CASSIDY ISNT WORTH IT!
ReplyDeletewhich school is C currently studying at? heard he's from cjc?
ReplyDeletewad is ur current hair color for this pic http://i198.photobucket.com/albums/aa46/ohsofickle/New%20album%20OSF/dc5e0d77.jpg?
ReplyDeleteCheer up babe! :)
ReplyDeleteIt takes time for you to completely heal, after suffering such hurt from someone whom you love. but in order for you to heal, you have to accept the truth, and then forgive. Its only when you really forgive, that you will find true happiness and forget about the past and the hurt.
ReplyDeleteDo talk to someone professional about it soon! Hope to see the real cheerful you soon. You'll find someone who will be the 'IT' guy for you, one of these days!
Smile, Tammy! :)
Hey i hope you're okay because you sound like a psycho to me now.
ReplyDeleteBoys are nothing. Trust me. :-D
Get them over & done with. They're not worth it.
hey, i got the same situation as you right now. dont understand why these jerks can easily forget about its was them who woo us first and being so heartless in the end. anyway, cheers up, time heals. you will know theres better guy waiting for out there :) . and when you look back, you will realise how stupid you are right now. be happy, and prove them you can live better without them :) . it was their loss to not cherish you.
ReplyDeletehey tammy, i hope it's the last time for you too. i used to do the same thing... and i totally understand how you felt when the guy moved on so fast and you're still stucked there, not knowing where to head. librans are born like that i guess, scare of being alone; need company all the times.
ReplyDelete朋友的爱始终不一样~ but no matter what you gotta 加油！ ^^
Cheer up tams!!! As a reader, i also hate you to be sad esp because of C. C's fucked up. You can find better ones, just wait. I know someday he will come to you :) love you! i would love to see you happy soon again.(L)
ReplyDeleteOh myyy. I wish I could give you a hug.
ReplyDeletei have the same thoughts as u.. i can never feel complete and cannot be happy without a boy even if we have lots of friends. whats wrong with us..
ReplyDeleteapparently C spent a 1 night stand with your friend..........you should be careful and not be sad because you are worth so much more than that :)
ReplyDeletei dont think this will help, but I FELT THAT WAY TOO and unfortunately, i 'cured' it by..... getting a boyfriend. :( it's a terrible cycle. if you find a way to overcome it, then please share/blog about it!!!! :(
ReplyDeleteHi, I happened to read your post and thought of sharing a person in my life with you. Though I feel that it may not make much sense to you now, or you may think that I'm crazy or something, but I don't want to miss this chance of telling you about this person in my life and he's called Jesus. He's not JUST ANOTHER GOD, or JUST ANOTHER BEING, but someone who would truly care and love you and me unconditionally. (: why not give him a try? anytime (:
ReplyDeleteQuite a scary post lots of ranting and i think ranting on blog is a good way to release all those anger and moody stuff at least i find it works for myself...I went through those crazy phase before when my EX broke up with me and i still miss her everyday even after so long hahaha....1st of all i dont know you well or at all and Even dont know the things that you went through and of cos i'm not here to be judgemental.But Sorry to be harsh and i believe it's not your fault that you're having this problem but what if the problems still carry on with the next guy u really love?On a guy's opinion no matter how much the person love you if you everytime say wanna break up with him even though u dont mean it,and he knows it ,it still will sting his heart badly because that person will care about wadever you said to him.(if he loves you).And its not easy to accept those words without a Big Heart , Patience and True love.....Maybe you will find someone like that who truely love you and of course i hope you will find someone like that....Everyone's True happiness is different.Maybe to you, True happines is having someone u truly love and truly love you, always be there to care for you no matter what happens.(i think i'm being too over haha)There is nothing wrong with it in my opinion.Hope the couselling works for you and cheer up.. :-D
ReplyDeleteBabe, you've got so much going on in your life now. All these business successes, great friends. Sometimes it may feel like, shit i shouldn't have initiated it. But at the end of the day, if he's been lying to you this way, you know that it's the best that he's out of your life. Since you, along with so many of your readers don't find him good looking, and he's shitty like that, then there's really no loss there isn't it? (; Cheer up. You already have more good things going on than all he's ever going to have in his life.
ReplyDeletexoxo
I used to be like you. Sometimes I still am. But I learnt that it is essential to be able to manage my own emotions first, and wean off depending on a guy. My ex was my world and my source of happinessness was him. When he left, it was like my world crashed and its pillars snapped. But if you make your ownself your centre of your world, or something more stable, your emotions witll stabalise too. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd when you tell a guy that you want to break up a few times, eventually he will be worn out and start to think it is indeed a good idea. Also, just to point out objectively, if you morph into a snarky evil ranting person when you qurral, honestly won't it make him *not* want to come back to the relationship even more? Not saying you have to pour on the sugar sweetness, but control your emotions. Otherwise, you are a pretty dangerous person. I am too, but we will manage it with time. :)
ReplyDeleteCheeeeer up :* Im going thru the same thing as you too :( Mine came into my life just like how C did n i was feeling exactly like how you're feeling cuz my ex boyfee cheated on me n well, left like how C did. Be strong darling <3 It ain't easy, until now i still miss him n all but life still goes on... i hope counselling helps! :) Take care! Try to occupy ur time w ur friends! This is the time where you'll find ur true friends who stay by you! Work hard for ohsofickle! ;) Luuvvvvvvv you!
ReplyDeleteDo you have split personality???
ReplyDelete): I read your post and i felt really really sad. I've been following your blog since you were at tammy-.blogspot and sigh, it kinda hurts to see you like that even though I don't know you personally. I hope you'll get better. Love! <3
ReplyDeletesometimes your posts make me dislike you, sometimes your posts make me wanna give you a pat and say things will be alright. nonetheless.. i do hope that counselling helps you and its something you really have to get well by myself. try cutting him off your life completely and utterly.. simply do not read his status, or talk to anyone about him. i had a similar experience and i found that this is really the most useful way to get over someone. i know the urges to want to know how you ex is getting by, how u want to be the first to get over it and all. but to do that you HAVE to ignore his presence COMPLETELY in your life. also, do try to stay single because when your heart is tumultous, anyone can never calm it but yourself. hope this helps you
ReplyDeleteyou know what. i think you'll be a happier person, if you remove yourself from the virtual life.
ReplyDeleteHi Tammy, I am a reader of yours. Actually, i have experienced something similar and it is recently as well. I broke up with my boyfriend, it has been 3 months or so and I am also going through the same cycle of yours. I go crazy, I want to commit suicide, I took 20 panadols, I cut myself, i delete him off my contact, skype and facebook. Then I will sms him AGAIN after some time and we will add each other back on facebook. THEN AGAIN, i will go crazy and we will stop talking then the cycle repeats. But i know he is never coming back cause he is attached. I totally feel you, friends and time is what you need. Please cheer up, I have been through all these, the pain is worst than just the word 'torturous', I really feel very sad for you. I hope you will cheer up soon alright?
ReplyDeletebpd.. yea but it usually stems from many reasons. i feel that maybe you should accept yourself as who you are. and not having overly high expectations of yourself and always comaring to other prettier looking or "better" people. al these envy, jealousy subconsciously eats you up bit by bit. you created that bpd which is a very bad excuse to throw tantrums and use it as an excuse/cover for being imperfect. wake up you can hide behind that forever.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you need to be alone and show yourself that you can actually be happy without any boys in your life. We were born without them and we can definitely lead a happy life without them either! Just have to enjoy your own life for now - one day you will share your life with someone. I think before you can be truly happy with someone else you need to accept yourself & be happy with yourself first hey.
ReplyDeletewww.mochimochihearts.blogspot.com
What he felt for you wasnt love. I'm sorry to know what you have to go through but I know for certain, one day you're gonna be ok. It's gonna take time. Jesus loves you very very much and He knows what you're going through. He will heal you if you allow him to. Take care!
ReplyDeletei think by saying this, you're agitating her. lol
ReplyDeleteWhy do you do such things? I can't seem to understand your intentions.. what you're trying to achieve with such actions.. But whatever it is, I hope you get happier.
ReplyDeletehey tammy,
ReplyDeletei have an ex too. he broke up with me because he liked my bestfriend and when he did, i couldn't help threatening him on msn, threatening to do rash things, threatening to move school, all that stuff. well, let me tell you, that period of my life was dark. it was so dark i didn't know that i would get through. but now, there is this boy who likes me. and i kinda like him too. and he's so much better than my first boyfriend. and he's everything i thought i'd never get.
and, though you might not know it, there's probably someone out there, waiting for a girl like you.
Girl, that C boy is so not worth crying over. You should be saying wo bu pei to him instead of him saying that! You're so much better than him so just be strong & focus on your biz & friends ! :) Just be happy and live life to the fullest cuz you do not want to look back 5 years down the road and go, I should do this & that, I should be happier rather than being a sad bitch. You can do it ! Oh, & I love OSF ! xx :*
ReplyDeletebabe, you do need to seek professional help, its perfectly fine. let's face it, there arent many boys who can tolerate and understand your illness look it from their point of view also, they might feel like a punching bag. i dont know how often you throw a fit at them, but there's bound to be a limit to their patience. they are prob thinking, i didnt sign up for this, i expected some, but not this much! you cant expect them to give in to you all the time. and there is something, you must never ever say no matter how angry you are, that is to break up. its a definite no-no. this should is serious, and have to be well thought through enough to be able to say it. it just cannot be said so easily, it tells your other half how lightly you see of those words. so you know what's the problem, try to solve it, stop it. you have to. right now, you are prob acting like every boy's nightmare ex. you dont want people to see you in that way right. trust me it's not good for your rep. and dont expect boys or people to tell you the truth why they want the break. very rarely people would. and can you take the truth? you prob wont be happy with it too.
ReplyDeleteIn the past, he could be giving in to you TOO MUCH which is why he felt tired,meaningless being with you.Everybody has a limit.Love does not necessarily transcends all boundaries and limits.
ReplyDeleteWish I knew you personally! :( 99% boys are just like that. Ew. But I know this sounds really cheesy but there will be someone who will be perfect for you and understand you. You're still young don't worry <333
ReplyDeletehey tammy i was exactly like you 2 years ago. for like 8 years i always had boyfriends or was dating guys, and i thought i couldn't be happy alone even though some of my exes gave me a shit load of problems. i could spend every moment obsessing about them and what they were doing and trying to find out if they were doing any shit. but was having a bf really making me happy? def not, esp if its a bastard you are dating. so finally i decided to stay alone for 2 years and not jump into any r/s. not use any guy to to forget the guy that was making me feel like shit previously. and it's good to really take time and be alone and find yourself, grow and know what u want! i've learnt that u can never find the right one if you yourself aren't ready to be the right one for your other half! it might be hard to be alone at first, but trust me, it really helps u grow. and you can use the time to focus on other aspects, like spiritually (find your way back to God), work, family, friends, etc. hope this helps! good luck!
ReplyDelete<span>
ReplyDeletesomehow I feel its all in your head about PBD. You're using it as an excuse to feel its alright to be "like that" because you think this is you "PBD girl", so you expect people to just accept it and compromise. you will deny this for sure. nobody wants to get out from their comfort zone and once listen to people and feel those people may be right.
You're completely normal, I don't know in detail what pisses you off, or is it that you're an egocentric and being plain unreasonable.
Looks aren't everything. Definitely can't compensate shit personality. Its true, if the guy love the girl, he will know how to avoid arguments even if the girl is being unreasonable plus always thinks shes right. Stop dating kids and look for mature, charming, talented, fighter and stable guys. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thats happiness but for you to find a mature man takes a mature lady. You are who you attract.
Girls who are weak, flirtish and cant protect themselves are bimbotic, slutish and complete turn offs. Probably a chick for a guy just to bang. period. Definitely not someone a guy would settle down with unless he's hopeless himself.
Girls who are mature are called ladies, know what they are doing and protect themselves well are sexy and to die for. Definite wife material.
</span>
LOL HE WISH.
ReplyDeleteWipe those tears off. Anger is not easy to vanish. Wish i was your friend so i can be there for you.
ReplyDeletehi, show us ur clogs u luv! :)
ReplyDeleteI hope you'll love yourself more.
ReplyDeletehey tammy,
ReplyDeletejust wanted to tell you that I admire you for being so honest in public. takes guts to voice what you're really thinking especially when there's a risk of getting judged for it. it's great u realised he's a player from early on? use that to ur psychological advantage. he's not worth the trouble in the long run. cheer up!
All I wish is you could recover soon from your sickness, and move on with life (:
ReplyDeleteYou can do it ! All the way !
chin up, cheer up :D
ReplyDeleteNo ngee ann poly.
ReplyDeleteturn into a lesbian :)
ReplyDeletejust have to keep telling yourself that this relationship cannot or will never be salvage, no matter how hard you've tried. think! are you in love with him, or are you in love with the idea of falling in love. best to state down things you miss and you dont miss about him, its a good way to sort out your real feelings towards him.
ReplyDeletehi tammy i can understand perfectly what you are going through even though many may just think that you are a psycho and all. i was once like that, angry, unhappy, empty. somehow i woke up when i went to a fortune teller, u may laugh at me thinking that its some crap but everything he said its true. he is able to tell you what you are going through and why and offer you solutions and tell you what you should do.
ReplyDeletewhat i can say its that sometimes you cant get out of this mess and you just need someone to take you out of it. wish you best =)
im in soooo much pain now too im so glad i visited your blog to know someone's like tt too because its exactly how im feeling now but its just that we're still tgt.
ReplyDeletei get so mad at the moment & i rly cant react calmly i go crazy and scream my lungs off i jus cant help being like that yknow, then i go home feeling so hurt & so remorseful but its too late the hurt's been done.
& now, its been a long break since we talked. i dont want to break up idk i feel so depressed...
i know how that feels like. but life still goes on. JY
ReplyDeleteHey Tammy. My ex and i have broke up for more than half a year and im still in love with him. Your situation is exactly the same as mine. I start acting like a bitch when i text him. But when i found out he was just making use of me, ive got over him.
ReplyDeleteits hard for these people to understand what u are going through. alot of people can get over a r/s very fast, fall in and out of love easily. but if to the one u really love, and gave in so much for him, u wouldnt wan this relationship to end. The person just expected more n more , wanted u to change for the better, i often wonder in the first place does he really like the original girl ? sometimes i really feel like you. i really get angry over him of unable to accept me for who i am. not understanding enough. i wanted to walk out of this cycle. this sick cycle im going through. but u realise like u are sinking ddeeper n deeper. almost hard to get out of it.
ReplyDeleteEveryone definitely has a part of them that they feel incomplete, unable to use anything to fill. That space in your heart that needs to feel complete can only come from the God above :) Try going to church regularly, you will soon feel different. Give it a try won't harm you and spending that 1 hour plus everyweek doesn't cost you anything.
ReplyDeleteGive God a chance!
I feel you. My ex boyfriend was also like that. dudes are fucked.. especially C. I used to go to the same school as him. and he is really a player!
ReplyDeletewell at least you can afford councilling. go for it. Go get better.
ReplyDeleteIf he cannot handle you at your worst, then he prolly does not deserve you at your best either.
ReplyDeleteBe strong and move on, there would come a time when you'll find someone who deserves you better. (:
i completely agree w what u say. definitely wna act and behave maturely but it's easier said than done. well BPD thing is definitely not "in my head" cus i got diagnosed with it and when i do such actions i don't even realise it till later. it's not like i rmb ive bpd and behave tht way....i always feel like i'm normal!! well i too am over dating "boys"! hope i find the right one soon.....thank u for this comment.
ReplyDelete... but what makes you think it's not your fault he left you? he's human right? just let him go and both of you can be happier. if you have some issues you've got to deal with yourself, deal with it, THEN think about getting into a r/s. it's unfair for him and also for you if you (think you) have a illness and try to drag him into it. so like yeah, just get some help.
ReplyDeletehe left me because it's rly hard to handle someone w bpd BUT HE LIED TO ME. get it? he told me he is coming back for me, he jst wants time alone. think is, im never going to recover without the help of another. ok i really dont know how to explain my situation to you....it's not that easy.
ReplyDeletehi tammy ..how do we know if we have bdp? what test do we have to take?
ReplyDeleteno shit
ReplyDeletesee a doctor.
ReplyDelete<span><span>sarah</span>
ReplyDelete<span>Stop using the bpd excuse. It's getting old... You're just pathetic and desperate. At least have the guts to admit it and not cover it up with a disorder (hell, you sure had a lot of guts accusing other girls of "seducing" C when I think you know he was doing all the womanizing...). It's all in your head. Bottom line is: you were being desperate and desperation turns a guy off way more than a fat girl does. He went for other girls because truth be told, other girls didn't reek of desperation as much as you did.
Btw, I know some of your friends and they tell me how you're always complaining and talking about yourself. It's one thing to be a burden to your own self, it's another to annoy your friends by making them listen to your self inflicted "pain". </span></span>
Hi miss know-it-all, well if that's what you think, ok! Anw dont understand your bottom-line. Me? Desperate? For???
ReplyDeleteBtw, I dont think i talk to many people yknow? Like really TALK. I'm pretty quiet most of the time? The only few i talk to about myself are DX, Donna, Fendi, Daryl Yow, KW....that's about it. You can say what you want ok? Sometimes not evrything you hear about someone u dont knw is accurate. Know me, then judge for yourself.
hey, i think it's your fault. he wasn't famous/popular until you feature him on your blog. you increased the number of girls(esp in our poly) that finds him hot. --"
ReplyDeleteOMG! I CAN TOTALLY UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS!
ReplyDeleteBut mine is like my best guy friend ever and he give up all his close friends including me for a girl that he met for 3 months?! I can't believe 3 years of friendship cannot compared to 3 months of that girl.
It;s been like 5 months and i still will go crazy when i see him and the girl./
Ya. LET'S WORK HARD AND FORGET THIS CRAZY GUY!
stay pretty. xo
: / don't give up yo, i feel with you la. i've got the same problem, it's really tiring but what to do. gotta accept our characteristics... and hope that it'll get better over the years lol
ReplyDeleteanyway just beat that guy up haha
he doesn't deserve you at all -.-
and yeh... probably nothing you want to read, but time heals wounds...
also you could throw your sim card away (delete all msgs, save all important numbers)+n inform everyone never to tell you his number
love from germany
Hi tammy =-X i've BPD too .
ReplyDeleteI tried shoving down icecream down my thoat when my BPD is beeping high and somehow it just calms me down you should give it a try
thing is, i dont rly realise it till after everything :( so idk when i shld shove the ice cream dwn lol
ReplyDeleteBeen there done that. I totally understand how you feel right now. I think it's only normal.
ReplyDeleteBut as time goes by, you'll finally see the picture. Sometimes you really can't blame the boy even though he what did was really nasty, false hopes and all that crap.
Eventually you'll cool down, get over it. Feel ashamed of what you had said to him because it is utterly pointless to say such things cause it would not change your relationship and it would only make you look like a phsyco bitch and make him hate you even more. It's only a matter of time. Don't think too much.
Don't you worry. Its only a rule of life that SHIT ALWAYS HAPPENS. You'll find happiness again perhaps this time within yourself. Make us girls proud aite go listen to this cheesy miley cyrus song - liberty walk.
It'll do you gooooooooood even though its stupid miley haha.
when you're feeling sad and moody start shoving icecream down HAHAA ! you can always talk to your friends about it =-X i can lend my ear if you need one too!
ReplyDeleteI'm behaving in the exact manner as you I think, right now. I didn't want to get into a relationship, and entered J. He convinced me it's alright to try etc. And we did and I was about to commit to a official relationship status despite my 'we aren't working it out' during our unofficial period. After a night of introducing to my friends, who knew it meant I was ready to step into it, he avoided me. calls and messages.
ReplyDeleteWhen he finally took my call, it said it won't work, wasn't working and it's over.
This happened last monday. I felt like crap and I was crying the entire day in the office. I couldn't focus at work. I found myself messaging him Every night he wouldn't reply my messages, or even allow a meet up for us to talk. I get mad to upset and I've left messages, emails and everything. There's nothing else I could do when he refuses any point of contact, and thats what drove me crazy. My friends have been taking turns to be with me and watch me cry and zone out. It's so hard I felt suffocating. I couldn't eat either. I forced myself to sleep at the hours we used to chat on the phone, and I woke at crazy hours. 3.30am, 4am and just zone out, looking at the things he gave me and crying into his tshirt. I still go to work and today, it is slightly better, 5.30am. I do not know how long I could last, for all I wanted was to just meet him and talk things face to face and he couldn't even grant me that. =(
oh dear....i wish i can help...but i cant even help myself. i can advice u, but doing it is really going to be so so tough cus even i cant do it. i hope u stay strong. we'll get through this :)
ReplyDeleteYour situation is almost the same as mine. i trusted my bf. n yet after being tgt for 5 yrs. i found out a very ugly truth which would haunt me for the rest of my life. i checked him. n i found out that he opened a spare hotmail acc. added alot of girls up. send them pm wanting to know them. worse still. i found out that he had an account in sammy boy forum. forum for fucking horny heartless men who look for sex. share sexual experience. i read all the pm and post he posted. devastating. he tried to look for sex behind my back. harboring thoughts of bedding alot of women. and the words his used was like i know how loneliness feels when it gets to up. but if u are willing, we can bring this pm further. we can meet up for and satisfy each other needs. its alright if u dont wanna hv intercourse. we can embrace each other and enjoy each other company.
ReplyDeletei believe almost the same reaction we had. world came crashing down. i cant eat i cant slp. i kept crying. im okay for a moment. the next moment i go crazy when the thoughts of it came rushing to me. i will act normally when i have people around me. but once im alone. its hell. tears are like freeflow. its really a torture. No girls can ever take that. one can nv be enough for them. its not because u are not pretty or skinny or hot. u can hv it all. but still. they still cant get enough. but yet it kinda manipulate us into believing that we are not pretty enough. not skinny enough. the problem doesnt lies on us. but them. they cant commit. yet they act like they can. im not trying to condemn every guys. just that we are pure unlucky. cheer up. im trying to as well. i know its useless saying al these. like dont think abt it. just move on. cuz it doesnt work when ppl tell me this. i think its best u vent it all out. go on a holiday. think abt everything. hv someone to talk to u. rant as much as u could. cry as loud as u can. cuz it really sucks to the core to get cheated by a man. fuck them
Oh my god. WHAT A FUCKER (ok i hope u dont feel offended but SERIOUSLY WHT THE FUCK?!) I FEEL U! I actually think ur situation is 10 times worse than mine. Well i think, cus i dont bother checking his emails etc.
ReplyDeleteGod i hate boys i hate boys i hate boys.
Yet at the same time, i want one. URGH.
Stay strong darling, i hope you'll be fine soon!
Hi Tammy,
ReplyDeleteI occasionally read your blog, and found it interesting that you are a person who is officialy diagnosed as BPD. Been working in the psychiatric line for 3 years and I've yet to come across someone like you.
Anyway, seen your outbursts occasionally, and I thought I should write something. While I know many times you cannot control it because of the disorder, I think it might help if you try to start to be aware of your emotions. I guess that's what counselling does. It helps to train you to be more aware of yourself, your emotions. It will be a tough road, but I guess one has to really try and make the effort. Not saying that you aren't, but perhaps sometimes you might have let the emotions take control of you?
The key I believe is really to be more self-aware. Once you get that, you'll be able to identify the triggers, and your thought processes, which in turn will help you to calm yourself down and rationalise well.
I used to be like you. I used to hate being alone, and that when I got a partner, my world was dedicated to him. But then, one day I was asked, what is so bad of being alone? That's when I woke up. I realise actually it's nice being alone. I found peace within myself, and made use of those times to self reflect and find out more about myself. Not sure if you do that (cause I only started reading your blog just a few months only), maybe you might want to give is a try. It's always good to dedicate some 'me time' apart from meeting with friends and having fun with them.
Anyway, I think I should stop my essay now. Just hope you will note what I said. Try to be more aware of yourself, which comes through self-reflection/time alone. Good to break down the sequence of how things happen that makes you mad, so that you can figure out the triggers and your thought processes.
And lastly, while I know BPD is really a pain, do try not to attribute it all to BPD. Cause if you constantly use it as an excuse, people will start to think that you are just making use of it as a shield to continue behaving the way you are and not improve/try to change. Cause that's just the way people are, and I'm sure even for yourself, you might think that way as well, because I know I will too. I'm sure you aren't like that, so better not let others think of you like that. That way, you can make yourself more credible =)
All the best!
hey babe, i completely understand how you feel. the stupid cycle shit, where you delete his contact thinking that you will be strong enough. just remember that everytime you lose control and message him, he wins and you lose. it's a very sad fact of life that love has became a game, but that's the way it rolls. try to take your mind of him, and give him the time to miss you instead. he's not worth your time if he's giving you crap excuses to break up, and then get together with someone else later. i hope for you that someone who really loves you for who you are comes along soon! in the meantime, chin up, hang in there, and let the love of those your friends and family take you thru this period! *hugs
ReplyDeletei do uds your feelings that you're going thru now. i'd mine. before i met my current bf that really let me know what's happiness all bout. true, that's your happiness can't be solely reply on opp. gender yet it's still a source of happiness that you should never gave up on. (: it's really silly to think back the "usual cycle" of not contacting &contacting back. but because you've fall in love with the person &that explains what you're been doing. nevertheless, hating someone brings you no where but only deepens your love for a guy that he's not worth for. learn to forgive&forget babe (:
ReplyDeleteso now u should know its not CT's fault.
ReplyDeletemy bpd drove me to become a sociopath
ReplyDeleteOh dear so sorry to hear bout it. URGH WHAT A JERK!!!!!!But boys are like that, they say one thing to u and to their friends they say another. It's annoying. How they dont wna look like the bad guy to you. Well i thank god i met a boy recently who really meets my requirements but i dont dare commit and trust him though...really scared. This made me get over c completely. So i do hope you'll open up and meet more ppl! But of course, this time, be very careful, heartbreaks are not fun. Feel better darling. <3
ReplyDeleteomg tammy, I only started reading your blog. And i started to see myself in you. There is sucha thing as BPD? I never knew of something like that and I suspect I have it too! Thanks to you, I think i better get myself some help.
ReplyDelete