Monday, September 2, 2013

Fight For You

Let me clear the million thoughts i have in my head before i finish up my work cus i can't seem to concentrate and focus with so much on my mind right now and i am thankful i have this space.

I am so different from most girls and sometimes it's just scary. I can give great advices but i can never follow my own advices cus i function so differently from most of my girl friends.

Ok so as you all know, i'm now....single. It is tough accepting the fact and i still refuse to accept the fact because i still love him but well, i am. It does suck and when i go through such a period, i tend to do a lot of self-reflections. 

There are many reasons to break ups and the most common thing is Cheating so when i told people that i'm Single, most people assumed it was that but no, THANKFULLY not. It was more like i got my priorities wrong and neglected his feelings. Which i regret and i've never really felt this regretful in my life. I realized i've gone through about 3 break ups, most of it i have blogged about before and most of ya'll would know who i was with before if ya'll followed my blog since i first started. Makes me look terrible because i don't know any other blogger with that many break up stories? Lol. Then again, none of my break up was that bad since i'm friends with all my ex-boyfriends. Wouldn't say close friends but we say Hi Bye and i would like to believe despite it all we still do care for each other from afar. Most people tell me it's impossible to be friends with exes, but whoa.....i am? Which makes me wonder...WTH WHY?

Reason how most of my relationships ended is because i'm Egoistic & Prideful. Such a guys thing right? But sadly, the truth is that i am and i only realized how bad it is now. Looking back at my past failed relationships, i realized one thing i never did, i have never "fought for what i really wanted". I always put on an act. I always acted like i was happy, i was living a happier life. So when the guy i've just broken up with sees it, he would think this way "Oh, since she's happier without me. i shall not bother her and move on then".  Then the guy i love moves on, then i start to feel sad and cry like F and start going crazy and saying how they didn't love me enough that's why. I would hate the girl, hate whoever who goes near him. It's stupid because i had all the time in the world to text him and give in when he wanted me but i didn't. It's like despite them begging for me to forgive them and all, my stupid pride didn't allow me to forgive them that easily. I expected them to start chasing and proving themselves. I expected things to turn out like in the movies - flowers at my doorstep....shit like that. 

Most of the time when my friend goes through such a break up, i'd tell them "fight for it...don't give up!". But what the hell..... i have never fought for it, i always put on a show and appeared very "strong". Because i'm prideful as a girlfriend, i never wanted to look pathetic in front of him. I never wanted to go knocking on his door in tears, i never wanted to send him drunk texts telling him how much i loved him even when i did. This Pride KILLED IT ALL. Made me lose people i love. Which is why i say, i am so Different from everyone - most girls. I don't love my boyfriend less than they do, deep down i know i don't! But i think people assume i don't love him enough because of how "strong" and "okay" i appear after a break up. I find it so difficult to share my problems with my friends because my mind just works so differently from them. Also, my friends do give advices but i never listen, not because i think it's bad advices but i always want to do things my way so if anything fucks up, i have no one to blame but me. And you know what, i always do things the wrong way. 

Because i realize this is killing all my relationships, i really want to make a change in myself. I don't want to put on this act anymore. I don't want to act tough in front of him, i don't want to act like i can get a better guy and i didn't need him. I want to fight for the person i really love. Even if i look pathetic and sad, at least for once i can say, I Fought For Someone.

I no longer want to be that f-king prideful bitch.

"When you make decisions, follow your heart and not your mind. For if your mind’s decision fails, you regret. But if your heart fails, you just smile and say, “Nice try.”"

xxxxxxx

New Shoes on www.ohsofickle.com.sg







28 comments:

  1. Hi Tammy. I totally feel your feelings now. As I am currently having a huge argument with my boyfriend too. Both of us has high ego, so none is giving in now, and it really hurts. It have been going on for days. For the past few days as down as I am, I tried to be happy. I tried getting drunk. Posted happy photos of my life on social media just to let him know that I am happier without him, but isn't the truth at all. On Saturday I got to the drunk level where I missed my boyfriend and cried badly in the club. It really hurts to see what we are now, but yet I am still not wanting to give in due to my high ego :( but after reading this post of yours, I think I should fight for what I really love, that's him. As the both of us really came a long way into getting a relationship as we're both separated in two different country, as he's studying in the UK.

    I just wanna say thank you for such inspiring post. And stay strong. Fight for him, if you really want him back. I know I will fight for my boyfriend now. And should fight for him too if you really love him. Hope to see the bubbly Tammy that's in love again soon! :) x

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    1. Thank you babe. :) I hope life goes well for you too!

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  2. Go go fight for it , jiayou ! it may be hard , n difficult. but no matter if u managed to get him back or , as least u know you had tired , and live with no regret. on a side note , when u r fighting for him , u may even get to know more abt him , by his reaction , c deep down does he really love u

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  3. you will regret if you don't even try to fight for it. hope for the best in getting your relationship back on track. p.s/ always like your posts on you and your boyfriend, hopefully we all readers get to see them on your blog real soon. FIGHTING!

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  4. You need your pride. But you don't need your ego. Cheer up x

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  5. Hi Tammy! Just want to let you know that you are not alone! I also have way too much pride for my own good and refuse to make the first move because I feel that appearing vulnerable would make people take advantage of my weaknesses. Hopefully both of us can overcome this problem and become a better person! Cheer up!! :)

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  6. Hey Tammy, cheer up! You don't have to publish this comment. You are strong deep inside but once in awhile it is fine to let down that pride, to give up something that won't matter so much in a long run. Pride may be or may not be the priority to someone. It may have been. But we all know, losing that pride is more important that regretting your life away, right? DO WHAT IS RIGHT! If he's worth it, keep fighting. Because, why not? You fought for someone, then and only then you will have nothing to lose. I fought so hard for this guy that I really love. But things are really just falling apart because we are so far away from each other. Miles and miles apart. This is just something that I can do nothing about. Financially, I would say. But so what? Even if I have to cry through viber/skype(you get it) or any other sort of communication software. I would. I wanna let him know what kind of changes - the good changes and the bad ones he made in my life. Because if he's worth it, in the end you will be happier than you'll ever be. Because why? You fought hard, hard enough to change a person's mind. To get him back. But just what if nothing changes? Like you said. Give yourself a pat and say "Nice try".

    I am just like you, giving great relationship advice to all my friends but I refuse to listen to myself. When it's time to let go we let go. But I just can't do that. I know if I let him go, im gonna regret it for the rest of my life. For I have picture myself so far down with him.

    So, if you love him. GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Always supporting you!!

    LOVE YA!

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    1. Thank u sweetie :) I wish you all the best in life!

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  7. Heard you cheated on one of your ex before, right?

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    1. Have to clarify this! I won't say CHEAT cus here's my explanation....

      I think i know where you heard that story from but anyhooooo, we broke up, i used someone to spite him. Yes yes i'm just a bitch and i always act like "i don't need you" after a break up it's all the stupid ego! It was not "cheating" as we already did break up but then i regretted using a guy to spite him and it did feel like i cheated on him since we both still loved each other a lot.

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  8. just want to affirm you for your courage girl (: this only shows that you've matured some and you deserve a big hug for that (: cheering you on!

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  9. Hey Tammy! please do fight for it! if he's the one that makes your day, someone who you know that will still be there no matter what happened, fight for him! all the best!

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  10. Hi tammy, I am going through the same thing as you. Except that this has been going on for almost 6 months and my feelings didn't fade. I think you understand the feeling that if you have found THAT someone,its gonna be him. I didn't exactly fight/fight hard but I definitely didn't give up loving him. But cheer up! And stay positive. If he's worth it, it won't matter how long it takes. You're a strong and worthy girl and i believe he is worth it too.I really hope things turn out in your favour! :) hope to be reading good news from your blog soon!

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  11. Hi Tammy! go for it! fight for it! if you believe that this guy is the one whom can go through anything with you! he's worth everything! All the best Tammy!

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  12. Hello Tammy! I've been through it before and I know how it feels. You will always be thinking about him but as long as you keep yourself occupy and hang out with people who loves you, you will get through it! JIAYOU! :)

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  13. Hi Tammy, I hope everything turns out well for you.Heart over mind :) Although I tried to fight for my ex but failed, I know that I do not have anymore regrets and could move on easier. Follow your heart and believe that your love is worth fighting for!!! ^^

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  14. read this blogpost and im like, "it is so describing me T.T" HAHA, i am just like you Tammy! I always think i need to change myself too but its so god damn hard T.T But im slowly changing!! I always choose to ignore sadness cause i feel that it is so not needed! But then again we know its not, because deep down it hurts but i just refuse to admit to it. Cheer up lady, at least you know that you are not the only one who's like that :D

    God bless <3

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  15. I think I understand your POV because you sound like me. I think I act like a boy - I don't really express myself a lot to my bf or act like a demure gf to him, like most girls out there. I don't know if it's also my pride issue, but it just feels weird for me. Not sure about you, but in a way, I'm ego because I don't really give in to my bf (apologize etc) but expects him to do so.
    We had a breakup recently, and I bawled so badly and realized I still love him a lot. You'll probably went through this as well? So, I decided to put down my ego, and message him. I apologized, and told him I love him. Thereafter, everything became well again and we're now together.
    My bf commented this when I apologized, "I believe a relationship is about give and take. Do you?" I realized I need to stop acting so "tough" and egoisitc about issues, and learn to give and take. I do know I mostly "take" and don't "give", which I'm guilty of now haha.
    Not sure how it'll turn out for you and him, but I really wish you all the best. If you really want to make your relationship work, do take the first step and talk to him yeah :) I can't advise except to tell you my story because everyone and every relationships work differently.
    Good luck, hope to hear good news soon :D

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  16. Hi,

    I feel you and don't be sad that you are different from the other girls. Because that is you and that is why you are unique!
    I am sure that when someone truly loves you and deep enough, he will understands and knows it all. Until then, you don't even need to speak another word to express yourself.
    I have been asking myself what will make me a happier person? And I will fight all my ways to what that makes me happy. And you should also do the same thing! Start asking yourself what makes you happy and who can make you a happier person?! Conquer your flaws and don't let it get into your way! Start listening to what your heart says and follow it! Go for it Tammy!

    Anonymous J


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  17. You go girl! I am so inspired by how much you've grown since I started reading your blog! ALL THE BEST<3

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  18. Hi Tammy, as a fellow female I am so glad for you because you are fighting for someone you love. Don't give up, go for it with your all! X

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  19. Omg im like this too. When a guy breaks up with me and i still love him, i wont fight for him and i'd just let him go. Because to me, there's no point fighting over someone who doesnt want me anymore. I rather live with the pain then swallow my pride and ask him to come back to me. I feel like i dont want to show my weakness to someone who doesnt deserve it anymore.

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  20. Hey Tammy, I am just as prideful and egoistic as you described yourself to be. I understand how you don't wanna look pathetic infront of him and be the strong and independent girl others perceived you as or rather, how you wanna portrayed of yourself. It is really important to tell people you care because all the gallons of tears you secretly shed, nobody knows. No one knows how much pain you went through, how badly you want everything back just cos you don't show it on your face. You may appear to be a strong, independent and successful career woman but honestly, who are you without someone whom you love so dearly? Give up being the 'superior' one for once in the relationship and fight for him, fight for your relationship. Go for it Tammy, don't do things that will make you regret because who knows, you may not be able to find someone who can love you as much as he does and can make you fall in love all over again. x

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  21. I'm sure you know as a Christian that pride is one of the seven deadly sins. I'm not pointing that out to make you feel worse, but more as a motivator. It's important that you've realized and acknowledged your flaw, and it's great that you want to put effort into changing and becoming a better person. It'll be difficult, you may even get rejected or hurt again, maybe many more times before finding the "right person", but remember that if you change, at least you've grown into a better person, and that's something you and your loved ones can be happy about.

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