Monday, September 2, 2013

Fight For You

Let me clear the million thoughts i have in my head before i finish up my work cus i can't seem to concentrate and focus with so much on my mind right now and i am thankful i have this space.

I am so different from most girls and sometimes it's just scary. I can give great advices but i can never follow my own advices cus i function so differently from most of my girl friends.

Ok so as you all know, i'm now....single. It is tough accepting the fact and i still refuse to accept the fact because i still love him but well, i am. It does suck and when i go through such a period, i tend to do a lot of self-reflections. 

There are many reasons to break ups and the most common thing is Cheating so when i told people that i'm Single, most people assumed it was that but no, THANKFULLY not. It was more like i got my priorities wrong and neglected his feelings. Which i regret and i've never really felt this regretful in my life. I realized i've gone through about 3 break ups, most of it i have blogged about before and most of ya'll would know who i was with before if ya'll followed my blog since i first started. Makes me look terrible because i don't know any other blogger with that many break up stories? Lol. Then again, none of my break up was that bad since i'm friends with all my ex-boyfriends. Wouldn't say close friends but we say Hi Bye and i would like to believe despite it all we still do care for each other from afar. Most people tell me it's impossible to be friends with exes, but whoa.....i am? Which makes me wonder...WTH WHY?

Reason how most of my relationships ended is because i'm Egoistic & Prideful. Such a guys thing right? But sadly, the truth is that i am and i only realized how bad it is now. Looking back at my past failed relationships, i realized one thing i never did, i have never "fought for what i really wanted". I always put on an act. I always acted like i was happy, i was living a happier life. So when the guy i've just broken up with sees it, he would think this way "Oh, since she's happier without me. i shall not bother her and move on then".  Then the guy i love moves on, then i start to feel sad and cry like F and start going crazy and saying how they didn't love me enough that's why. I would hate the girl, hate whoever who goes near him. It's stupid because i had all the time in the world to text him and give in when he wanted me but i didn't. It's like despite them begging for me to forgive them and all, my stupid pride didn't allow me to forgive them that easily. I expected them to start chasing and proving themselves. I expected things to turn out like in the movies - flowers at my doorstep....shit like that. 

Most of the time when my friend goes through such a break up, i'd tell them "fight for it...don't give up!". But what the hell..... i have never fought for it, i always put on a show and appeared very "strong". Because i'm prideful as a girlfriend, i never wanted to look pathetic in front of him. I never wanted to go knocking on his door in tears, i never wanted to send him drunk texts telling him how much i loved him even when i did. This Pride KILLED IT ALL. Made me lose people i love. Which is why i say, i am so Different from everyone - most girls. I don't love my boyfriend less than they do, deep down i know i don't! But i think people assume i don't love him enough because of how "strong" and "okay" i appear after a break up. I find it so difficult to share my problems with my friends because my mind just works so differently from them. Also, my friends do give advices but i never listen, not because i think it's bad advices but i always want to do things my way so if anything fucks up, i have no one to blame but me. And you know what, i always do things the wrong way. 

Because i realize this is killing all my relationships, i really want to make a change in myself. I don't want to put on this act anymore. I don't want to act tough in front of him, i don't want to act like i can get a better guy and i didn't need him. I want to fight for the person i really love. Even if i look pathetic and sad, at least for once i can say, I Fought For Someone.

I no longer want to be that f-king prideful bitch.

"When you make decisions, follow your heart and not your mind. For if your mind’s decision fails, you regret. But if your heart fails, you just smile and say, “Nice try.”"


New Shoes on