Thursday, November 14, 2013

My Heart

I don't think I felt this pain in a long while. I felt my heart break. I felt breathless. I really didn't see it coming.

Today he told me he moved on and I just replied "happy for you :)" dropped my phone and tears just streamed down my face. I was getting a foot massage and the guy stared at me in shock, ran out of the room to get me a box of tissue. The tears just couldn't stop. I'm usually a pro at controlling my emotions after many years of training but that very moment, i lost it. I felt this pain in my chest it really really felt like I could feel my heart break. Am I weird or have y'all ever felt that kinda pain? I felt lost, I didn't know what to do. 

Ya we broke up so long ago but I didn't feel this much pain till that very moment. Maybe all along I've been living in denial. I thought he still loved me and just wanted to enjoy singlehood at the moment. That he will be back in my life when the time is right. But today i had to face it, my 3 year relationship, it is really Over. We are never ever ever getting back together. 

Maybe if it was with another girl I wouldn't feel this sad but it's with a girl I know is a very nice girl and that they'd last a long time together. I'm truly happy for him but...yeah I'm also sad I lost the love of my life. 

So it's been what...4 months since i broke up? I don't know, I didn't bother counting how long either. I've tried to move on...I've had rebounds to make me feel better. The guys whom I went out with were really great guys but he was all I wanted...nobody could make the cut. I always dropped him reminders from time to time telling him I still love him and care and will always be around when he needs
 me. I was willing to drop any guy I was seeing for him because he was nothing but the best in my eyes.

I won't lie and say I've been sad, crying and alone all this time because I've been dating and keeping myself occupied so I wouldn't go insane. There were times I forgot all about the break up and felt happy. Call me selfish, call me whatever you wanna call me, I just knew what I had to do to "be ok" and "be happy". Not the wisest thing to do if I really wanted to salvage a relationship with a guy I really love but he really didn't want to be with me and I didn't want to force him to. I have this problem with being alone too....I just need someone. I need to have someone there who would say good morning and good night to me and cares for me and is willing to look after me all the time. My family doesn't have time, my friends have their own relationships. So I turn to the boys who like me - even though I know it's impossible with some of them I still try to give it a shot. It's like I didn't mind "leading them on" just so I feel less sad about my life. Selfish bitch.
Sometimes it's feels like I'm taking advantage of them in a way but of course I make it extremely clear to them I'm not over my ex lah. Quite honest right? I'd use the "take it or leave it" since you like me and wanna bring me out for a meal, I'm willing to use u to distract myself even though I know I won't like u, take it or leave it. Some actually ended up getting hurt cus despite all the effort they put in, I don't feel a thing. Even if I spend a lot of time with someone, I really don't get attached to people easily unless I allow myself to but my heart was with someone else so yeah, I never had "real feelings" for the guys I went out with. I've been thru break ups and going thru it all alone is just really too damn painful so everyday I have someone around for me, whether it's my best friends or a guy who asked me out on a date. 

I'm really damn sad but at least now I know it's over and have found some kind of "closure".

Now there's no more trying to get him. Instead, ill try to love again. Give the potential guys a chance...right? No "using" ppl to distract myself from him. No more being that selfish bitch.