Monday, April 7, 2014

I am only Human

It's been 5 weeks since i revealed the BIG news on my pregnancy and i'm still receiving mean comments. Well i try my best to quickly delete it so it won't affect my mood but well, i'm only human and sometimes when i read it, it does get to me.

I never said i was a good role model for young girls and even though i really wish i could be, the decisions i make in my life show otherwise lah right? There are plenty of bloggers out there who lead more wholesome lives and are "better" bloggers than i am. I won't deny i do hope to be more like them...and do hope my child grows up to be like that. When my child is born, i want to spend as much time as i can with my child. I don't want my child to be neglected the way i was. Even if i have to work, i will spend time at the end of the day talking to my child and asking how his day went.

Since i was like 11...i was on my own. I never spent time with my family and always did things the way i wanted to. I didn't even feel like i had a family. That's why i grew up having good friends who are so important to me they feel more important than my own family. Nobody really cared about me. My mother was too busy working to provide for the both of us. My dad left to god knows where. I never really got scolded for anything! Not even bad academic results. I could get F9s for every subject and no one would say anything. Thank god i was wise to not do that lah....hahaha. And am also thankful that despite the freedom i managed to stay in an express course and passed my subjects. I really had the freedom to do ANYTHING. Not many kids i knew had such freedom! I could even go out on my own till late and nobody would scold me or care. I could stay over at a friend's place and need not inform anyone. Nobody actually taught me what was right and wrong. I don't think my mom knew much about what was happening in my life because she didn't even talk to me....until the day i landed myself in the hospital after doing something stupid. That day brought us so much closer. So in my life, i learnt most things on my own which also might explain the many choices i made. I won't say everyone who had a childhood like mine would end up like me, some may still be goody two shoes. Am i wrong to think it's a pretty rare case though? Because i know a few friends who had a rough childhood and they are so similar to me.

I really don't blame my parents for who i am today though. Can i blame them, really? It's not like they intentionally wanted their daughter to be like that also. My mother was struggling to make ends meet. She was working 2 jobs. It was certainly not easy for her, how to blame her? I'd be heartless to do so. How to call her a bad mother? She was facing SO much stress! I appreciate everything she has done and love her so much and even though i wished she cared more when i was younger, hey, she was the one who made me become so independent and the one who helped me achieve my dreams of setting Ohsofickle up.

What i can do is to learn to be there for my child in future. I don't want my child to ever be in the same environment as i was brought up in so i will not let that happen. I want to always have a close relationship with my child. I will be his best friend, i will tell him i love him everyday.

As one grows older, you do automatically know some things were clearly wrong, like drugs and theft and i could have done those if i wanted to but i'm glad i didn't do it. I could've been a lot worse leh? Since no one would actually stop me from doing all that. I remember a few occasions where some friends would go out to steal clothes and i NEVER DID IT. I tagged along and watched them do it but because of this fear of the police and upsetting my mother if i got caught.

Even though i have made some bad choices in my life and made some mistakes, i do learn from it and i believe i would give better advices to people now as compared to in the past. Throughout the years of making mistakes, i have learnt to become a better person. I am definitely a better person than i was in the past. No, still not perfect but better than before and i dare say it because has taught me SO MUCH. I may have had quite a number of boyfriends but i do not regret being in any of the relationships. In my first relationship, i learnt that one should not be a "dog" to their bf. If your bf treats you like shit, leave him, you deserve much better. In my second relationship i had my first "big regret" and that made me start to be more sensitive and think before doing anything because i realized what an impulsive person i was. In my third, because i was older than him, i was so dominant. I was so dominant i was like a bully. When he didn't listen to me, i'd go mad. I never gave in. It was his turn to be "dog" and yes, after we broke up i realized relationships have to be "fair" and you should treat your bf the way you want to be treated. Then my forth, which was the longest and the one i learnt the most from. I became much more patient, learnt to give my bf a lot of space, learnt that trust is so important....etc. He was one who really balanced me because like i mentioned above, no one has ever scolded me and i never really listened to anyone. So with that ex bf, i really had a balance and i learnt to listen. After him i also i realized i need a bf who is at least 4 years older than i am because i want someone to "control" me, someone to listen to....How weird right? Haha.

Today, i'm so much more understanding and tolerant and when i think about it, if i was this way with my ex, i'm sure we'd last a loooong time. Haha. I'm so much happier and contented now. Even though my life doesn't look awesome to some people, i love life and i am truly happy! I try to be the best girlfriend i can be. If not for my past relationships, i wouldn't be like that at all so my current boyfriend...i think he is lucky. Well, luckier than the past bfs i had for sure. Haha. Everyday i smile and look at life so much more positively than before. It is sad some people start condemning me because of the choice i made but yeah, that's the world. I do know i ain't a devil and i am not a bad person. I do not have a black heart and i am not evil. I am no angel but i know i'm not a bad person otherwise how do i have so many good friends around me who love me so much? I have so many good friends who have been friends with me for YEARS. If i was a really bad person, they would've left me LONG ago. I feel that when some people are young, some people make huge mistakes but as they grow older, they'll become better people! I don't think anyone really grows up to become worse?? Well unless they become famous or something then ya things might change and that's another story lah. Some people will still condemn me but this is part of my story.

If you make a mistake, the best you can do is admit it and realize what you did wrong and learn from it. Who can you blame at the end of the day, really? Everyone leads their lives differently and yes, my life is so different from so many people that some people just cannot accept it but i still love my life. Even if i don't have a very perfect life, i am so glad i am happy leading this life! :)