Saturday, January 31, 2015


It's just so so tiring to always be in a heated argument. I guess once people get too comfortable with each other we tend to be more insensitive and not so careful with our words so the fights get more and more severe. Many times we think we've forgotten certain things but when a new problem arises, those things in the previous arguments get brought up again so we can "prove a point" and have more things to say to strengthen our argument. Even when the new problem has nothing to do with the previous one. So the fights will keep escalating and we start throwing hurtful words around. I want to stop doing that. I want to truly forgive and mean it. It's really REALLY hard cus I always wanna win and guilt trip the other party so I become the victim at the end of it. Manipulating. What a total monster I can become when I'm pissed. I don't like how I handle my fights and I need to start taking the blame and change. I don't realize all of that when I'm quarreling and it really took me a LONG time and many self reflections later to admit my faults. Have to be more patient and understanding or things will always remain this way.

I've been through this so many times in many relationships and this time it's really very different from the rest of the relationships I've ever been in because of my baby boy. I'm really trying to keep us together so he won't grow up in a broken family. I really do hope things get better because I do not want him growing up in a home where his has to witness his parents quarrel all the time. I've been through it myself and it sure is traumatizing for me. I will never want to put my son through the same thing I went through, ever. I need to constanly remind myself that. Some days I do self reflect and realize I'm still kinda immature at times which is why is we end up in a fight. If only I realized that before arguing so it won't even turn into a fight. I need learn to accept the fact I'm at fault at times because not everyone is going to always give in to me cus I'm a "princess" unlike in the past. That's just childish thinking. Also in this recent months, I have finally learnt to use the word "Sorry" without bothering about what "Pride" I have. I'm so annoyed with my mentality sometimes! I tend to say so much and not even give the other party a chance to express his opinions. Selfish is the word. I always want him to put himself in MY shoes but have I ever put myself in his shoes and understood things from his point of view? Everytime he does it I shoot him back cus of my think-I'm-always-right character. 

I hope I'll be able to grow the f up already and that things will get better once really do. Start giving in and not being the prideful girl I once was which made many relationships fail. 

I'm so tired of this emotional rollercoaster I put the both of us on.