I was drunk. And despite the fact I was drunk because I was upset with my bf, when I started puking and felt helpless, I wanted to see him. It's so hard to stay angry at him. It's just so hard. I keep telling myself not to give in. I must stand strong on what I believe in - that once trust is gone, the relationship will just spiral down.
At the same time, I also am a person who believes in 2nd chances. So I had to choose...
Well, comparing my scenario to many scenarios I heard of, mine is really very minor. Cus I'm extremely sensitive and see a lot of things as "cheating", not necessarily just sleeping around.
You people reading this space might not see it but I have very low confidence in myself. I know on my blog I seem like I'm extremely confident and all but nah, I'm really not that confident. I dont know why but there are people who meet me and tell me "i read your blog and i thought you would be very proud and snobbish".....lol? Really meh? Anyhow, behind it all, i am the typical super insecure girlfriend - REALLY annoyingly insecure with everything, top to toe (not big enough boobs, too fat legs, eyes not wide enough, nose not sharp enough, hair not soft enough..etc), and also inside me (not smart enough as i only hold an Olevel cert, not rich enough, no patience, mood swings are super extreme, behave like a kid and a princess...etc). I can easily list 50 things I'm not happy about myself!!!
I'm constantly comparing myself with other people and feel like my bf deserves someone better and that is prolly why I was so affected when another girl i feel was better looking and suited him more came into the picture for that one night.
However, i saw the other part of him when I said we should go our seperate ways. I saw how sorry he was. I saw him in tears. I felt his pain. He couldve let me go, i really am not the best girl around (just scroll up to see my imperfections? Lol)...but no he didnt and theres a reason why and that is same reason why i am giving this another shot.
I am definitely not his best gf. In fact, I think I'm the worst gf he has ever had! Really. He has told me how he his past relationships were like and man, his ex girlfriends are reaIly very nice! Nothing like the way I behave and treat him. Nothing! And I don't understand why he can break up with them but tolerate me? Why does he even want to salvage this? Definitely not how i treat him, his exes treat him 10x better. Looks? No, I'm not even that pretty. It's just make up, and in fact his exes are prettier. Fame? Uh no, he doesn't even like it when I post pictures of him on my blog. Money? Definitely not, I'm not even rich. Then whaaaaaaat?!
Well maybe it's Love then. Love makes us crazy. Makes us blind. You dont need 101 reasons to love someone, you just....love? It makes us see things in people no one else can. It's got to be love why he's still fighting for me, right?
You'd say, then if he love you, why he do shit to you? Well that day I was talking to a guy friend and he said "if you eat prawn mee everyday for years, then suddenly give you one mee pok, you would want to try a bit right?"and that makes sense right? That prawn mee has to be yummy enough to be able to satisfy the guy for years and for him to be able to resist the mee pok right? If it sucks for years and when one day, he gets the opportunity to try something new, why wouldn't he? I know of many guys with that kinda mentality! It's fucked up! Guys are not like girls. We are wired differently and we girls need to remember that. I'm not saying every guy and every girl has the same mentality but MOST.
I know, I'm not the best tasting prawn mee around, and I will now learn to be, so that'll give him no reason to want to try something new. If he does, at least i know im not to be blamed? Cus ive already done the best i could and it will be his loss. I'm sure wan ton mee, laksa, mee hoon kuey are going to come by...but he wouldn't wanna try those if I'm already satisfying him and enough. Right?
Most guys are gonna want to try something different one day if what they have isnt making them satisfied and making them happy. That prolly explains why there are many brothels around and they're surviving? Either we find out, or never do. Its scary right? But scared also like that...what to do? Isn't life all about taking risks? Everyday we are all taking risks! Say eg when want to get from point a to point b. You drive, you are putting your life at risk! You have a chance of getting into an accident and losing your life. You may be the most careful driver around, but that doesn't mean there are no risks, a big careless drunk lorry driver can still crush your car. But you still drive. Cus you have to get to point B. In love, it is kinda the same. You have to risk your heart from getting broken or you will never know how beautiful love is. It is the most wonderful feeling ever. Dont risk breaking your heart then you will never ever get that "love and be loved" happiness.
We are human, we all make mistakes right? I've never been so attached to someone. I've never had someone treat me so well before. Yes, he was always so perfect in my eyes - All a girl wants in a guy.
This one mistake he made shouldnt just erase all the good he has done for me. Of course it will leave a scar, In fact, im not entirely over the whole issue yet...but it'll take time? It'll take time for me to trust him again. And time for him to prove himself and do things to earn the trust i lost in him.
2012 is coming...a new year, new resolutions. I will work towards a better me!
This coming 2012, I will work on being less demanding. Need to stop expecting too much when i myself am unable to give that much. I also need to learn to be proud of what I'm doing and quit comparing myself to the girls around him. Yknow, education is important, it's sad I can't afford it that's why I gave it up. I really am not proud to just be an O level cert holder. Everyone around me has at least a diploma! :( or maybe in 2012, I'll pick up a part-time course since I kinda can fund myself for studies now? So I need not feel stupid around people.
No one is perfect and there'll always be room for improvement. They say as you grow older, you become wiser and a better person. It's true only if you choose to acknowledge your imperfections and work on it. And I do hope those of you reading this will do your self-reflection and find something about yourself to improve on in the coming 2012.
May everyone who follows this blog grow up with me to become better people! X
P.s I don't get why so many comments are asking when I say satisfy my bf, means having sex? Lol. That's not what I meant lah! I meant being a nicer gf to keep ur bf happy!!! And walao, u think I'd openly tell y'all how my sex drive is like meh?!
