Thursday, April 2, 2015

Better Mom

Having Elroy is the biggest blessing in my life and I cannot thank God enough for him. He has been nothing but a joy in my life! Only mothers know this joy and feel this love I feel. I just want the best for E and everyday I just keep thinking of ways to make life better for us. Finding something to do to earn more money, working on my temper and attitude towards my own parents, being a more smiley and happier person...well everything to set a good example at home and hope he grows up to be a fine boy. My views on life since being a mother is so much more different and I feel like a whole new person, a better person. I don't think there's anyone with this ability to change me so much. So hearing about a "big shot" walk into a place and when told i was also sponsored there, made insulting personal remarks about me being undeserving to get sponsorship cus i made the decision to not get married because that made me a bad person, that was hurtful. It's just sad how people choose to see me this way and judge me this way. I'm sure she isn't the only one. Or should I say, many judge mothers who chose not to get married this way. Yes, it is not "correct" and my life is nothing like your oh so perfect fairytale life you portray for the world. I won't say I'm perfect and I have indeed made some questionable life decisions but I'm sure so have you. How do I redeem myself in such a situation? Am I supposed to cry and feel sorry for myself everyday of my life? Am I supposed to sink into depression and be a complete loser for the rest of my life? If say, I slept around and got knocked up but chose abortion and kept quiet. Nobody would know! But what if one day, someone digs it out or if I fall out with a close friend and someone exposes me. Shit gets EVEN worse. I am pretty sure people would call me a murderer? So either way, I lose.  

I have learnt that life doesn't always work out the way you plan it to go and it is always full of surprises. So to always make the best out of life is the best thing you can do! Oh how boring would life be if everyone leads the same life and made the same decisions right? It's just unfair why some people have more and some people have less but that's life. But even those blessed with the most perfect and easy lives have their own set of problems. And they may not even have the values and mannerisms of someone who has less. We should never be too quick to judge anyone. 

Learning to deal with hard times in life gets easier and easier as time went by as I chose to remain as optimistic as I can. I sailed through tough times and got out of it stronger. Made mistakes, let people down and learnt from it. Been a real bitch before, whom the me today disapproves, so I am determined to never ever be that girl ever again. It's not so much about the age (not everyone grows wiser as years go by) but instead, it is the things one has gone through in life which moulds them into the person they are today. 

With all that has happened in my life, I am thankful it made me a better person. All I ever want to be is nothing like the girl whom I was. I used to love the online drama, and bitching and well, saying things as it is but with all that has happened and knowing how haters will use this chance to insult me as a mother or even threaten my child and I scares me. Now it's like, less attention the better. I obviously still need my numbers at the mean time and trust me, being a "real bitch" was probably the best way to get the numbers up up up but i will never want to be that bitch ever. I now fear the day i get into a big online drama so now i guess i'd rather keep quiet. As much as i want to say SO much about the recent events and how fake people can be on social media, i guess i will never do it ever again cus my priorities in life are different and i really don't think i can handle the insults. I handle insults directed at me well but should it involve my loved ones, i just don't think i'll be able to take it. I did voice out something about someone's post but i look back at the moment now and i kinda regret saying anything about it. I want to try to be nice to everyone...even if they aren't nice, only that way i can stay out of the drama i don't wish to be in. If i choose to be a bitch, people will be a bitch. The biggest thing i learnt from all the drama is you can't drive out hate with hate.

Once you have a child, whether you are single, married or divorced, our ultimate goal is the same, to provide a safe environment for our child and teach them well is what all mothers aim to do. Protect him from all evil if we can and keep him happy. I also honestly think that letting my child know he was unplanned is totally ok too. I have quite a few friends who were "accidents" according to their parents and they really aren't very much different from "planned out well children". As long as i give my child all the love he needs, his life won't be too different or lack a lot compared to "normal families". We all hope for our children to grow up to be well-mannered, smart and successful. Nobody in the right mind would wish their children grow up to be rude and obnoxious, stupid and a failure in the future right? So for that to happen, us parents have to set an example. Which means every thing we do, we have to make sure it's ok for our child to learn that. Children are so observant and they'd usually behave how their parents behave. By judging mothers by their marital status is just plain unfair and stupid. Being unmarried doesn't make me bad at my job nor does it make me a bad person. And you of all people should know how motherhood transforms women. No one, not me, not any single parent out there deserves to hear snide remarks. Motherhood may be enjoyable but it is harder than you can imagine. I know i'm not a perfect mom yet but who is right? I'm trying my best to always be at my best to set a good example and also make sure i am enjoying this whole process of teaching my child stuff and watching him hit his milestones. I really don't want to let unnecessary drama and unhappiness affect my mood and time spent with baby E. Every minute is precious once you see how fast babies grow! When they go to like primary school, that's when you won't enjoy it THAT much already....haha.